It’s been awhile… August 16, 2011

I haven’t posted in a while, and well that’s because I am no longer battling the trenches of being single. Yep, as soon as I gave up desperately searching, right when I was completely happy with myself and my single-hood, a wonderful man found me. (Finally).

It’s been almost a year and a half and things have been great. So, ladies (…and gentlemen) always keep your heads up. Find yourself, live your life, and right when you least expect it…. destiny will find you. Look at me. I’m living proof.

This blog will always be a gem for me. It was a huge maturing tool in an evolving phase of my life. I will continue to look over it in fondness. But this chapter none the less has ended for me. However I’m not hanging up my keyboard just yet… I have started yet another blog (http://pursuitoflanding.wordpress.com/about/) all about the latest subjects of life — job searches, my relationship, and trying to make all the pieces of my life fit together. And finding out it’s not as easy as it seems. It’s going to be another bumpy ride.
I just want to thank all my subscribers for being such devoted readers. I hope you continue on with me in my next journey. But, if not, remember to always keep your hearts open.

(No longer) Perfectly Lonely,

Jamitoocooltoendine.

Tyler Smith June 2, 2010

I have never lost anyone before.

You and I had what some may say, a weird relationship. The truth be told, I loved you.

It almost went against everything that we were friends. You were somewhat of a ladies man and I despised any man as cocky as you. But friends we were. You made me feel special. You made so many feel special; a compliment from you was golden. No one will ever make me feel as beautiful, smart, or special as you did.

You were like a brother. Always fun, quick to give advice, and there to cheer me up. There are so many memories of you that I just replay over daily in my mind. Looking back I can see that you and I got along so well because we were so much alike. Skeptics of true love but wanting to believe in it more than anything, secretive of our emotions and even letting it at times get the best of us (you’d punch things and I’d cry like a baby), and we knew how to have a good time. Boy Ty, did you know how to make a party.

There are so many things I want to say to you. So many things I don’t understand. But above everything I hope you are happy, man.

I miss you so damn much. We’ve drifted apart before years ago. But you came back and in fact, I would say our friendship picked up and even grew stronger its second time around. But I have to keep telling myself that this time it will be so much longer until we are reunited.

There will never be a day that goes by that I do not think about you, and I will always, always love you. I hope you stay with us Tyler in any way that you can—that you share in all of our future joys.

Life will not be the same without you. And although you are gone I know our friendship—its love—is stronger then death. This is not an end. So until we do one day meet again, I just hope you know…

I love you Tyler Nathen Smith

Baggage in Relationships May 21, 2010

Everyone has it, emotional baggage that’s haunts us all. We carry it on our backs; drag it everywhere along with us, the weight of it heavy behind us.  It’s that constant reminder of our past that makes us fearful of our future.

She carries the baggage of hating her father as a girl making her grow up to be a woman who believes that every man is just as lousy as he was.

He totes around baggage of being hurt. He acts emotionless, fearing that in the end she will hurt him. He becomes detached and pretends to be a dick as a way to cover up all the hurt inside he tries to conceal.

She tries to hide the huge knapsack of emotional weight she has from being insecure. The feeling that she is so flawed that no one out there will ever possibly believe her to be good enough.

It is all this emotional baggage that we pack throughout the years that sabotage relationships now. We try to hide our baggage. Under the bed, the top shelf in your closet, where ever it can be out of sight from that new person you’re dating. But it always comes out, finds its way behind you. It taps you on your shoulder begging to be surfaced.

Not only do we all have emotional baggage that we try to hide as best as we can from our partners, we try our darnest to figure out their hidden baggage. We play detective. Ask questions about the past; try to dig deep for clues to find out if the weight of the baggage is worth the effort of building a relationship.

And it’s exhausting.

Everyone has baggage. The “How I met your mother” episode, “The Wedding Bride,” reminded me this. Ted was trying so hard to figure out his date’s baggage that he’s surfaced instead.

Hiding our baggage and trying to pickpocket the TSA key to your partner’s shouldn’t be a part of dating. Reality is: everyone has it. So why not be upfront about it? You know eventually it’ll come up. What does matter: finding someone to help you make your baggage seem not so heavy anymore. Like almost anything in life, it’s easier when you have someone who will give you a hand.

If you share your baggage up front, lay that suitcase on the floor allowing them to peek inside, the faster you see if they make the cut. They look in, get a feel around but won’t help you lift that bag up, well the easier than it is to say goodbye. But if they do, they help you take on that weight—they really want to help you so you don’t have to carry it anymore—well then it’s that the result you were searching for all along?  Why not be upfront and get to that point faster?

Accept baggage, yours and theirs. I know at times it can be heavy but just know one day, you’ll find that one who can take the weight off.

Top ten mistakes girlfriends make May 13, 2010

Always being the single girl amongst my friends, I’ve seen a lot of mistakes my girlfriends partake in. Actions that make me stop and think, “Damn I’d be the best girlfriend ever.” Here are the top ten mistakes I see girls make, and would never do.

1. Demand all your time:

You want to hang out with your friends, great I want to hang with mine too. No need to update or explain to me. I realize we don’t have to be together 24/7. Enjoy your free time and I will too.

2. Want too much, too soon:

It’s early in the relationship, we’ve decided we like each other, awesome. I don’t expect us to jump to relationship status on Facebook, I’m not going to show you off to my new friends, or start planning our wedding…not just yet.  Get to know you I will, make you commit I won’t.

3. Be chatting when the moments not right:

When you’re tired, I’ll let you sleep. I don’t need to know right at that moment where we stand, snooze a little. We can discuss it over breakfast. I’m a hell of a cook.

4. Tap you for information:

Your past is your past. I’m not going to drill you about past relationships, and need the details about your past girlfriends. If important it’ll come out in time, otherwise let’s just focus on the future.

5. Play mind games:

I’m not going to trick you.

6. Enforce my likes on you:

I love glee, John Mayer, and doing arts and crafts-but I also realize that you may not. Just because these are things that I love doesn’t mean that I am going to try or make you enjoy it too. There are things I can appreciate on my own.

7. Realize there’s more then me,me,me.

I realize you have feelings too. When you are trying to explain yours, I will not take that as an invitation to turn the conversation around on how that makes me feel.

8. Be jealous:

If we are talking or in a committed relationship, no need to worry about me. You are the only one I’m dating or talking too. You trust me, and I’ll trust you. I understand just as well as you that you are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex.

9. Instruct you about your life:

I’m not your mom. I know that you are capable of dressing yourself, cleaning your place, and spending your money appropriately. Ok, so maybe I’d have some advice to how you could all of these better, but I will not nag you about it. If you want my tips I know you’ll ask, in which I would be happy to help you out.

10.  Be that part of myself at the wrong times:

I’m capable and willing to be that certain girl in front of your friends, your parents, in public, and when we are alone.  I know it’s not pretending there are just certain sides of myself you want to see at particular times. It’s cool.

And wow, if guys could even realize their need to follow this list as well, relationships would be so much easier.

Top five reason why its great to be single May 5, 2010

The joys of being single

I was talking to some friends the other night, and one of my girlfriends said she had finally realized the joys of being single, in which I replied this is what I’ve been trying to tell you guys all along. This is when another friend piped up with “yeah right all you do is blog about how much you wish you weren’t single.” Yikes. I didn’t mean that message to come across at all, on the contrary I am SO HAPPY to be single and here is why:

• I get to decide my life. If I want to go to a party on Friday, I go. If I want to move to New York in a year, I go. If I want to take a day where I sit around in my underwear and cut off all social ties, I do. And I don’t have to worry about anyone holding me down or pressuring me to do otherwise. I call the shots. (And I love that.)

• I can talk to who ever I want, whenever I want. I can accept free drinks. Dance with whomever. No jealous games. Never worrying of how it may look. I’m free.

• I don’t have to get up every morning and dress for anyone but myself. If I feel like being scurvy that day, then I am. I feel like sexin’ it up, then I do. Whatever the mood strikes I can take advantage of it and all I have to do is worry about how I think I look that day.

• I don’t have to stress out about a partner. Is he being faithful to me when I’m not around? Do I love him more then he loves me? Will he dump me if I have an off day? Blah blah blah.

• I’m not settling. I have not met my Mr. Right yet. So why would I waste my time with Mr. Wrong. I know what I want. Ok so I haven’t found him yet, I’m not going to boo-who about it just yet, and instead I’m going to live it up.

All the single ladies…Put your hands up.

Why do you like being single?

Life is too short… April 29, 2010

Life is too short….

To be at a job you hate. This week I quit my job. I have never quit anything before in my life. But something happened to me and I realized how much time I was sacrificing for money—and not enough of it. Other things are more important. Things like concentrating on school, focusing on family, and having time for yourself to relax. I have been so stressed out lately, and for what? This job wasn’t going to advance my future in any way. I realized the longer I stayed there, the longer I was pushing future opportunities away. Opportunities that can really benefit my magazine career.  So I’ve hung up my bridal reins.

To be in a relationship you hate. I see so many of friends of mine stay in horrid relationships just because they don’t want to go through the real process of a break up. That said I also see a lot of my friends not give someone a chance because they are waiting for someone better. And lastly I even see my friends have a hateful relationship with themselves. Love is something I think you should try to experience as much as possible throughout your life. To do so you must realize life is too short. You will lose love. You’ll experience love more than once if you’re lucky, and sometimes it will be will the people you least expected to fall in love with.

To constantly be on a diet. It’s one thing to love yourself to eat healthy, but it is another thing to never treat yourself. Eating lettuce wraps and celery constantly puts me in a crappy mood. I want to be more fit, but not at the cost of making me hate my relationship with food. Food is good. Sometimes eating the greasiest, fattest, sugary food makes me the happiest. At times I’m going to enjoy them, and you know what I’m going to be okay with that.

To pick silly fights. I’ve had a long day at school. My head hurts and all I want to do is unwind. My mom comes home and is bitching and yelling about how she wishes we’d pick up the house more. My first reaction is to roll my eyes, and go off on her. Mom, I’m freaking tired. But then again I suppose she is too. Instead of starting a big brawl with her, I should just breathe. Soon I will be miles and miles away from her. We’ll look back at this time later and sigh. She’ll actually miss my hair strains stuck to the shower walls. So for now I’m not going to start any fights. These are times I’m going to want to remember.

To not be adventurous. Whether it is getting a new hairdo, traveling to a foreign land, or even trying foods that scares you. Do it all. Life’s too short and you don’t want to look back on your life with any regrets. This is the time to do it.

NOTE: I’m not encouraging anyone to quit their job, break up with anyone, or pig out. I’m just saying be happy! Life’s too short not to be.

Women vs. Men: after the first date April 20, 2010

Men come from Mars, and Women from Venus. Homogametic vs. heterogametic, the two sexes are structured differently, and therefore they both think differently. Case in point: dating. Tom and Sally go on a date. They eat pizza, get ice cream cones and walk around the lake talking, Tom drops Sally off with a kiss at the door. Tom goes home and goes to bed. Sally on the other hand stays up all night giddy with excitement. First she replays the date over and over again in her head. This time in her illustrated memories she makes Tom a little more fit, his jokes a little more funny, and the awkward silences not so drug out. She sighs and then gets carried away planning out her future with Tom. It starts out thinking about their next date, a movie maybe or out to dinner perhaps, and then turns into how long they’ll date before getting married, what he’d look like in a tux, how many kids should they have, and how they’d decorate their Victorian home in the suburbs. Miles away Tom is carelessly snoring throughout the night.

Girls you know you can’t deny that you have pulled a Sally before; and that’s the thing, we all have. But why do we do it? We are so desperate to find the one to spend the rest of our lives with, that even on first meetings and early dates we jump to possible conclusions of how this guy could be the possible love of our life. And then it turns out he isn’t, and we are heartbroken. Would the realization of false happily ever after sting a little less if instead of polluting our minds with thoughts of how this dbag I went on two dates with, is going to be the father of my future children, we learned to breathe. Learned to take a man’s approach to dating. Cuz ladies I can grantee you that no Tom is tossing and turning in the middle of the night thinking of their future, not after the first date. Let’s not get too invested so soon. How about we take things slow. Control our Sally urges so that we aren’t disappointed, and maybe even not waste as much time on Mr.Wrong.

Ladies do you find yourselves being a Sally? Men does it drive you crazy when you learn that the girl you are dating is pulling a Sally? Comment below please.

Unsent Hate Letters to People You Love but Shouldn’t April 16, 2010

Have you ever heard of the form of therapy where you unleash all your anger and frustration through emails or letters to someone who has hurt you? You write all your feelings out, you really just let them pour out, and then you delete it. And just like that you feel, or at least should, a thousand times better. Well I’m gonna give it a go. My letters will be to three people. Three people who I love/had loved, and really shouldn’t have. Do you guys ever have those people in your lives? People where you just sit back and wonder why the hell do I feel anything for you? You piss me off so much. You cause me nothing but pain. Well to you all, here is your much-needed fuck off letter. Enjoy, although I know, you will never ever get the pleasure of reading it, you should know I reallllllly enjoyed writing them.

Dear Sorry Excuse of a Man,

I just want to let you know that we turned out just fine, and none of it can be accredited back to you. So don’t even think for a second that you mattered at all. We learned to cut you out quickly. As soon as we were able to comprehend what truly mattered to you, which was not us, you were pretty much erased. My memories of you consist of dodging your phone calls, and dreaded forced visits where we sat around and watched as time passed. I have hated you for as long as I can remember, and do you even realize it? I hate that because you were not there, I don’t know who will walk me down the aisle when I get married, I hate that I’m messed up when it comes to men, and I blame that on you. It’s hard for me to trust them, to not consistently wonder when they will leave, or find something better they would like to piece in their life instead of me. I hope you have found happiness in your life, and I hope that you know that we have too, and that’s because you are not in it.

Dear Don Juan,

I know you lied. You feed me false promises and hopes. When you saw me coming towards the edge, almost at the point of abstaining from you, you find ways to draw me back in. I’m sick of hurting. Sick of thinking today will be the day you realize you need me. Sick of being second. I’m off. I have vast possibilities for my future, my potential is immense and it’s going to take me places, and yes I am aware of it. I would have stayed here forever with you, traded my dreams for a life of mediocrity filled with zealous love, but instead you carelessly passed. And really I feel bad for you. You’re missing out. You will never find anyone who will ever love you the way I did.  And although I have put it off, hoping you’d straighten up, I can easily find someone to replace you. I won’t let you waste my time anymore. I don’t hate you; I’m just working at feeling nothing for you. If you don’t like it man up, or leave me alone.

Dear Disingenuous Ass,

I hope one day when you have a daughter she never has a man treat her the way you did me.  No matter what, you should have known better. Blame it on whatever you want, but when it comes down to it—you’re scum. You give men everywhere a bad name.

Comment below with your hate letters you’d never send, or tell me what you guys think about this type of therapy or form of releasing built up feelings. Do you think it’s effective? In what ways can this be problematic, is this the coward’s way out? Let me know what you guys think…puh-puh-leease.

My Soul Mate April 14, 2010

We all have to lose the ones we love sometimes. Whether it’s through a break up or if the state is more permanent: death. I’m not sure how much I buy into soul mates, but I guess it’s a proven fact that people who share the same birthday as you are suppose to share similarities, they get along together especially well, some would even say they are soul mates. Well I suppose if that is true I’m lucky. I have the best soul mate I could ask for. I have the best guy I have yet to meet as mine. My grandpa. When I was little my grandpa scared the crap out of me. He had the tendency to lose his temper at times, and when he raised his voice my blood would drain right out of. I’d freeze up and stare up at him mortified. Now that I look back I wonder how I could have ever feared such a man. He is the gentlest, most loving man I will probably ever be lucky enough to have. That’s why I’m not ready to lose him. I’ve never lost anyone close to me, and think it would be extremely unfair to have the first person I lose in my life be my soul mate. I can’t imagine becoming who I am now without him, and I can’t imagine living on without him. He, along with my grandma, has not only helped me out financially throughout my life, but they always, always believed in me. Believed in my talents, and my goals. Anything I wanted to do, they would have my back- and be there right beside me helping my dreams become a reality. He starts radiation in a few weeks. Every day for 40 days he will have to go in for treatment. They better get it, that’s all I have to say. I want him to stay, I need him to stay. I want my children to know a man that fun, loving, and smart. I want to share him, and at the same time I want him all to myself. I hate cancer. Do not take him from me. The only man I will ever love as much as this.

Toms Day Without Shoes April 9, 2010

I had trouble getting this up yesterday, so its a day late but the message remains the same. Leave comments!